Dear Lil One...

5 July 2020

Dear Lil One,

Today I found out that I'm carrying you inside me!!

*****

I cried happy tears when I see the two obvious lines on the kit! Within the next hour after learning about you, I've downloaded a playlist for all the Surahs that are recommended for pregnant mummies, booked an appointment with my gynecologist, created a new photo album on my iPhone specially to store anything related to you and installed the Ovia app so that I can get the latest updates about you.

Yes, your mama is a bit too onz. Giving my 100% right from the very minute I know about you!

The two most precious people in my life and yours - your ayah and Kakak. I surprised them with the good news before we headed out that day. I had their reaction recorded and of course both of them were ecstatic. Your Kakak has been asking for a Adik for some time now, and even though having a number 2 wasn't something I was rushing for, (or even thinking of) your Ayah and I had a number of talks about it over the past two months and I had a change of heart. We tried, and He eased our plans.

You know what's the best part about you, baby? I found out about you exactly a week after Ayah's birthday and that your EDD is one day before my birthday! You'd make the BEST birthday present ever....

How exciting is that?!

 19 July 2020

We spent the afternoon at Gallop Stable. I was feeling extra lethargic but I didn't think much about it cos I had walked >11k steps the night before at the airport. Then I realised I had some spotting. Reported the news to my BFFs but they all think it's nothing to be alarmed of. I wasn't feeling panicky at this point based on the amount and colour of my spotting, it was pretty common. 

At least that's what the results on Google said.

20 July 2020

Dear Lil One,

Today's my first check up at the hospital. Finally I can see you, baby! I was looking forward to this day for weeks, but that morning to my dismay I found out I was no longer spotting, but I was bleeding instead. A LOT. And they were bright red. I was starting to sense something is not right. On my way to the hospital, I didn't stop praying for you.

Your ayah tried to calm me down but I was already breaking out in cold sweat. We were an hour early and since I had no mood for breakfast, we went ahead and registered at the clinic. I was feeling really uneasy while waiting at the Antenatal Monitoring Clinic, like some kind of mother's instinct telling me something's not right. 

True enough, all that we get to see on the screen was an empty gestational sac, no yolk, no heartbeat....

We did a vaginal scan. Still no sign of you.The sonographer asked me the silliest question ever, "Why do you look so worried?" I can't even be bothered to reply her stupid question. All I want to know is where you are, baby.

The sonographer assured me that this is normal and I shouldn't be worried. She's probably just saying that to make me feel better, I thought to myself. At the gynae's clinic, we did another round of vaginal scan and she confirmed the whole empty sac thingy. At this point, I didn't even bother to hold my tears when I hear her explanation. She said the same thing the sonographer said, this is common although my bleeding is not normal.  

I was holding on to that glimpse of hope after I left her clinic. Deep inside, I believe you're okay baby. I'm sure you were just playing hide-and-seek with me, you cheeky monkey. Maybe the sonographer missed you and everything is actually perfectly normal and I have nothing to worry about.

I was ordered to go for a blood test to check my HCG level, and then I went for lunch with my colleagues. Somehow news have traveled and everyone there knew about you and before I knew it we were talking about you. I just find it super awkward cos I really don't want to talk about it after what happened earlier.  Obviously it wasn't good news, but what was I supposed to say then?

After lunch, it happened-again. The bleeding. 

I immediately took a picture of my soaked pantyliner and texted your Ayah that we need to go to the A&E right away. I was experiencing mild cramps and my anxiety level was up the roof. We rushed to KKH and after an hour of wait and another vaginal scan, we were told by the doctor that there are just so many possibilities and they couldn't find a reason for the bleeding.

I was confused. And pissed. What a waste of time. And money. URGH.

That night, I searched high and low online for any ray of hope from mummies who had been through the same plight. And there was!!! One mummy shared with me the only thing she saw on the screen during her first scan was an empty sac but when she returned for another scan two weeks later, the baby is there after all. It got me hopeful that I'm part of this group of mummies with miracle stories to share.

21 July 2020

Dear Lil one,

This morning, your Ayah had to leave very early for work. So as always, your kakak and I will send him off at the gate and we watch him until he goes down the lift. That's when I feel it. Something is coming out of my vajayjay, and that something is hard. Both Ayah and I rushed to the washroom to check it out, that's when my heart was truly certain that I've lost you. 

The next few hours were blurry and hard to swallow. The first person I told this to was my neighbour, the one who took care of your kakak like her own granddaughter. I was clueless, and she advised me on what to do next. Then I sent your kakak to school and sat at the playground alone for a very long time before calling your grandmother. She was calm and very supportive, and your grandfather immediately offered to come over to accompany me. 

Such caring people you have around you baby, who would give you so much love, just like they did to your kakak.

That night, I had a hard time sleeping and cried so hard. I kept thinking what I did wrong. Did I walk too much? Ate too little? Consumed supplements a little too late? Had I carried anything too heavy? Had I done something wrong? There was no doubt in my heart that the fault is a hundred percent mine.

It must be, right?

Your sweet Kakak came inside the room and noticed the tears on my cheeks. Immediately, she placed her little arms around me and asked me if I am okay. She's such a sweetheart, your big sister. Yes, she's the one who has been giving you big fat kisses on my tummy every single morning since she learned about you. She'd totally dote on you so much if you were around.

22 July 2020

Dear Lil one,

Ayah and I decided to bury you before sending Kakak to school today. I didn't have the heart to flush you down the toilet bowl and I feel like a burial gives me a proper goodbye. 

We had another checkup at the hospital. I was hoping to have another scan but we have to wait for another two weeks for that. Meanwhile I had my blood taken, and the results were bad. HCG level was significantly lower than the previous two days, which means I had a miscarriage.

How do I even begin to explain what's going through my mind the very moment I was informed that I've lost you? All the hopes, excitement and dreams crushed and vanished, just as fast as you came in my life. It feels like a flood of emotion all at once and a deep longing for someone that I have yet to see, hold or even know.

:(

I hate to say this but I was left with a profound embarrassment. How am I supposed to tell this to my friends and family who already knew about you? What if they blame me?

Dear Lil One,

To be completely honest, I had doubts on whether or not I should share about you on my blog. I don't know why but I imagine some people reading this and thinking, oh it's an early pregnancy(8 weeks to be exact), so they don't see the big deal. Or that I already have your Kakak so at least I have a kid or "you'll have another again". There are other women who struggle with infertility AND had miscarriage, some had multiple ones, not forgetting those who had stillbirth and my pain of losing you is just nothing compared to theirs.

I reached out to some of my close ones who went through similar experience before, and one assured me that any kind of miscarriage is still a painful process, no matter how young they are. Just because there are other women who have it worst doesn't mean my feelings aren't valid. I can grief my own way and if that means talking about it, then just do it. 

So here I am, writing about you, sharing my story, in hopes that it can be a comfort to others going through the same thing.

Dear Lil One,

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though right now I wish I know why. Recently I've found comfort knowing that everything happens with His permission and that He knows best for me and you. I choose to believe that you are in a better place and waiting to bring me over to your beautiful home in Jannah, with your Ayah and Kakak.

Thank you for making me believe my heart is capable of loving another child.

Thank you for the reminder that no matter the circumstance, women are strong. 

I know I will be.

Love, 

Mama